Me: "I'm not so smart, sometimes."

My friend Deb: "That's not true. It's just that English isn't your first language."


The above intelligent exchange took place a few weeks ago while Deb and I were driving home late from a concert. In our defense, we were both under the influence of sleep deprivation. Sadly, though, I believe we spent the next 15 minutes giggling uncontrollably about it.

I was reading an article about dreams the other day and was surprised to learn that supposedly only 5 percent of people dream in color. This really blew my mind, because I can't recall ever having a dream that wasn't in color. I told my sister about it, and she says that she always dreams in color, too. Now, I'm no math whiz, but shouldn't that be very statistically unlikely? I think someone's figures must be off. What about all of you? ( I say that like more than three people read this.)

At any rate, that got me thinking about the wackiest dreams I can remember. Which inspired todays list.

The Most Vivid Dreams I've Ever Had

1. The Vampire One. (Truly, I have a knack for catchy titles.) This is hands down the freakiest nightmare I've ever had. So, I'm in this huge old house with my family. In the dream this is our home, and vampires seem to be attacking. We've boarded up all the windows and locked all the doors, but they're still getting in through what seems to be an old elevator shaft. The weird thing is, when they come in they're in the form of big wolves. And I seem to be the only one who can fight them. So, I'm just going along dispatching these great snarling beasts like I've been doing it my entire life. And what is my weapon of choice? An exacto-knife. Yep. Every time one of them lunges at me, I manage to slash them in the throat with a stupid one-inch crafting tool. I guess the only thing that makes this dream scary instead of ridiculous is that I remember how terrified and hopped up on adrenaline I was in it. And I could practically feel the knife sinking in. And the blood spilling over across my arms. (wow, I really sound like I've been listening to too much Marilyn Manson.) Well, all in all, it was a lot like that movie 'The Brotherhood of the Wolf', but without the weird sexual undercurrent. Or at least I hope without the weird sexual undercurrent. I have enough problems as it is. Please, all armchair psychology welcome.
2. The Backpack One. This one is completely stupid and fantastical. I had this way back in high school, and I've always remembered it because it's so silly. It starts out with me driving to school like I always did, but instead of a car, I'm driving my backpack to school. I'm literally sitting on my backpack, steering it by the straps, zipping along about two feet above the ground. And it didn't strike me as the least bit odd to be scootering along on a bookbag when everyone else was riding in a car. That's pretty much it. Probably not very interesting, but I've always thought it was funny. I can remember going to school the next day and telling all my friends about it and they teased me mercilessly for the next month.

Uhhh.... that's all I can think of right now. I occurs to me that this is the lamest list ever, but there you go. I've been serving you steak dinners all month, you'll just have to be satisfied with a turkey club this time. Besides, I'm not your dancing monkey.

Okay, so the temptation to hang myself with my shoelaces has passed sufficiently that I might be able to talk about President Bush's energy speech. (I GIVE YOU COAL! THE FUEL OF THE FUTURE!) Sweet Jesus. When are we going to stop kidding ourselves? We are never going to be self-sufficient until we get a handle on our energy consumption. I'm so tired of hearing every asshole with a Hummer bitch about gas prices. Why don't you try buying a vehicle that's more fuel-efficient than a space-shuttle, you self-indulgent suburbanite WASP. What do you need four wheel drive for, anyway? Is the trek to soccer practice getting that treacherous? Just because you can afford something doesn't necessarily mean you need it. Why not take that extra twenty grand you're spending on some ridiculous status symbol and take the family on a vacation? Maybe expose the kids to something beyond the small circle of consumption and waste that they're used to and show them how the rest of the world lives. Maybe then the next generation will grow up with some sense of social responsibility.


Here's an interesting little brain-teaser my sister told me the other day:

'A man and his sister are at their fathers funeral. The man sees a strange woman and goes over to her. They talk for several minutes and then part ways. A week later, the man kills his sister.'

Think of the likeliest explanation for this scenario. Got it? Now go on....

This isn't actually a riddle with a specific answer. This exercise was one of several used in a study of prison inmates. Researchers developed a list of questions in the hopes of using the responses to develop a definitive profile of the criminal mind. Strangely, this is the only question that received consistent answers. Almost all convicted murderers gave the following response:

"Obviously, the woman was a distant family friend. The man found her attractive and wanted to see her again. He then killed his sister in order to have another funeral where they would meet."

Creepy, huh? Some unsettling insight into the criminal psyche. By the way, if you thought of the same answer, I regret to inform you that you are a psychopath.

Hello and welcome to the shamelessly self-indulgent exercise in catharsis that is my blog. Among what will undoubtedly be indispensible insight into the state of society at large, you can expect to find precious and poigniant observations on various subjects that, for the sake of simplicity, I will call 'things that irritate me.'

Above, for those of you who are wondering, is a quote from my favorite short story. I suggest you all read it. It would be hard to articulate precisely why I like it so much as it is unlike anything else I've read and it wouldn't make any sense until you read it in any case. So you'll have to take my word for it. (Besides, don't you trust me by now?)

Okay, let's begin.

There seems to be this worrying trend among younger generations today, or more particularly my friends and family, to have children. This is by all means their prerogative, but it does tend to put me in a bit of a pickle. I have little tolerance for children. I know, what with me being a girl and all, that this is a shocking betrayal of my gender (or so my mother tells me. frequently.), but there you go. I suppose my habit of hailing them with an awkward "Greetings, small human!" and then eyeing them suspiciously from across the room doesn't help matters, but there you go. They also have a tendency to be inexplicably sticky. It is harder to fake enthusiasm for children than for a painful dental procedure. And those tiresome, accusing looks my mother keeps shooting me while she's holding my cousins (who is only 2 months older than I am, I might add) second baby are tempting me to declare that I'm a lesbian, if only to give her something new to despair over.


Okay, I've decided at each update to add a short list at the end. It will be a list that will rank the top however-many-I-feel-like-thinking-up of various things. How will I decide what the topic is, you ask? Well, dear reader, it will be whatever strikes me at the moment. Yep. I'm just that wild and unpredictable. So cast aside your inhibitions and hop on board the crazy train.

The Top 5 Most Depressing Movies That You Need To See

1. Sometimes in April. A startlelingly realistic portrayal of the civil war in Rwanda. And a harsh and unforgiving (yet justified) indictment of the U.S. for our complete failure to do anything about the unapologetic slaughter of hundreds of thousands of people. Bottom line: heartbreaking and poigniant. This had me in tears. And it takes more than a wobbly solo number from a Disney flick to do that.
2. Veronica Guerin. This was one of those movies that hit me like a ton of bricks. It tells the story of a journalist who single-handedly takes on the Irish heroin industry. And wins. At an incredibly high cost. Based on a true story, the violence in this is pretty raw. Not one for the kiddies by any means. But well worth the emotional roller coaster.
3. Road to Perdition. Tom Hanks in all of his sans-Meg-Ryan glory. The tale of a Chicago mob enforcer caught in the middle of a power struggle, who then goes on the run. Paul Newmann puts in another incredible performance which deserved the best supporting actor nomination.
4. The Pianist. Okay, I admit that, initially, I refused to see this movie as part of my ongoing 'fuck you' to those on the Oscar Academy. (The cow-towed simpletons.) But when I caught it late one night on showtime I had to concede that it's a pretty damn good flick. Adrien Brody gave an incredibly touching performance as a Jewish musician struggling to stay alive in nazi-occupied Poland during World War II. The film was also beautifully shot. Watch it and you'll understand why Roman Polanski is regarded as one of the great directors.
5. Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. No, this is not just for martial arts geeks. It's a passionate love story disguised as an action movie. It's an intricate tale about love, revenge, duty, honor and regret. The performances are all top-notch and the cinematography is breathtaking. Yes, it's in Japanese. It won't kill you to read subtitles. Whatever you do, DO NOT watch the dubbed version. So much is lost when it's converted from a beautiful language to cheesy, slightly off-time dubbing. (Okay. My sister has just informed me that this film is in Mandarin Chinese. I think my commitment to thorough research only adds to the validity of my views.)

There you have it. The first installment in my simple program to enrich your life. And based solely on my opinion. Hmmm......

Until next time, Lisa